12 Steps to Recovery

Of being the enemy...

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 12:35:11 GMT

Just for the record, being a giant robot is not all it's cracked up to be. More on that in a moment. It has been a busy - and frustrating last couple of weeks. Among the highlights is an alien attack on an island I was visiting... I say alien, but maybe zombie Nazis is a better way of putting it. Some war derigible showed up over the Besaid Islands and started dropping all of these ~~zombie~~ vampire Nazis. Now, mind you, my grandfather was the pioneer of German air power - so this was a doublestrike on my part. I think I'd rather had Skull One there at the time, but I didn't. I took a pretty nasty shoulder wound, but was told it would heal.

A few days later, I was on patrol when some pirate chick named Meia attacked me, attempting to capture Skull One for herself. We fought for a while before I finally got the upper hand. She relented and withdrew, apparently, fighters like mine don't exist in her world.

Finally, last night. I've spent the last week on Solaris VII, attempting to track down the missing Veritech that Thompson stole. It has been a fruitless search thus far - and very frustrating. It all came to a head last night at a bar in some run down hole in the wall I can't remember. Some goof guy approached me, demanding that I show him my fury and anger - and slapped something on my forehead.

I don't remember much after that until I awoke in the hand of GaoGaiGar - apparently I had turned into a giant monster robot and was rampaging across the area. I ~~am not sure what I should do at this point. Or what caused it. All I know is that I really need those I care about most near.~~ will get over it - I mean, it wasn't my fault.. I don't think. I'm in the IPA hospice in the Hub for the time being. They want to run some more tests and make sure I'm completely healed.

~~I need a drink.~~

Of busy times and mission resets...

Thu, 17 May 2007 00:22:44 GMT

I have been crazy busy as of late. The Federation forces of Amuro and Christina's world have started make their largest push on the last of the Zeon strongholds, the planet of Solomon. I went because they are my Sheep - we may not be of the same world, but we have the same beliefs and goals. Unfortunately I missed the main battle due to the arrival of a pair of capital ships from the zone that Luke Skywalker and Han Solo hail from. I was able to board one of them, but the commander of the other ship - some guy named Darth Vader was in charge of them, and was more willing to destroy one of the ships to try to get to me. I should be flattered, I guess, but instead, I ended up letting him go. I'm.. not entirely sure why. Maybe I'm getting soft or tired of death.

While I was recovering, Emma Frost sent me a get well basket made of imported beer and whiskey. I thought it was from Excellen at first, but I was wrong. I.. feel rather uncomfortable accepting it, and considering bringing it back to her and thanking her for the kind thought, but returning it. What's the etiquette in these things, anyway?

I took a flight to try to visit Agrias on Ivalice. I made a wrong Gate entry and ended up on another Ivalice - the one where Mustadio had retreated to from Agrias's world. Apparently the two Mustadio's are working together. If you are reading this, Agrias - apparently that world's Misato is engaged to either Alicia or Lavian, I didn't really take the time to find out, since I was receiving a second call...

Last night, I responded to the call from Master Asia, the so-called 'Undefeated of the East'. More like least. I was able to dispatch with him with some difficulty, but I think he was holding back. That's fine. I don't know what he wants with this Domon person, but I suppose that I should find out before he keeps on attacking my Sheep. I got lucky, I don't know if the other kids have my skills or techniques.

I think that's about it. I'm planning an urban mission for the Sheep - after what happened in Macross City, I want us prepared for battles in that type of environment, not to mention that Rook's report suggests that the attack on her world may involve major urban combat as well.

Until next time.

Of Long Abscenes

Thu, 03 May 2007 01:57:24 GMT

Sorry that it's been a while since I've said much, journal, but life has kept me busy. With the rebuilding of Macross City, the push to Earth and the restructuring of the Sheep, things have been keeping me very busy. So much so that I fear that Agrias may feel slighted that I am chosing my duties over her. It is a foolish thing to think since we both know of our lives, but still, it is a thought that has crossed my mind.

Perhaps what has sparked this thought is the words of one that claims he is from Agrias's world - not her's exactly, but a parallel world, like the one that Sylvie or Rook come from as compared to mine. In this world, Agrias not only survives the world, but marries another soldier and has children.. and is very happy.

I know that when I found my Agrias, she was near the end of her rope - but did I tinker with destiny by being there? Was she intended to be found by another? Am I jealous for thinking that another man could make my wife feel happier than I could? I am unsure of these feelings. What I do know, however, is that Agrias - my Agrias - is the only one who can complete me. And I cannot see my life without her, or with her in someone else's arms.

Maybe I should probe into this deeper when I have the time. But for now, there's another sortie, and another time for me to return to duty. Back soon.

- Roy

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 15:22:39 GMT

Macross City was pounded pretty hard the other night. The command staff tried to pull off a Daedalus manuever, and the Zentraedi got in through the bow of the ship. They were expecting us. The Daedalus was nearly destroyed - Macross City lies in near ruins. Gloval says we can't take much more of this - so we're heading to Earth.

I asked Agrias to go to the Hub and stay for a while. It's not safe here - not with us starting to actively enter into what will be the hardest combat for us yet. But I will miss her dearly.

We started our first mission this morning. I had Max on my wing and we were on the hunt for that bastard officer's pod that had gotten inside the ship and caused so much damage. We actually had him on our threat screens when Claudia came up to redirect us. I was madder than a hornet and for a moment, considered overriding her order - but Max was level-headed and reminded me that it must be important if they are pulling us off of Khyron hunting.

I did launch a flight of missiles before throwing it into a turn and kicking Skull One into overdrive. When we arrived at the designated sector - it was like nothing we've seen before. There was dozens of Battlepods, moving slow and dumb towards the SDF-1. We'd gotten the drop on them...

...they may not have been the Backstabber, but it was a start in the payback.

We'll be together again soon, Dame Oaks.

Of nightowls...

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 11:13:55 GMT

I can be a very heavy sleeper sometimes.. but generally, if it's just normal for me to be awaken if I feel something out of place. This morning was one of those cases..

I awoke to the soft sound of scraping. I thought at first that there was a rat in the wall or something. As I made my way into the common area though, I noticed a pair of golden eyes in the darkness. It was Agrias, awake and polishing her armor. She apologized for waking me, and I curled up with her until I went back to sleep.

We're in our new quarters now. They're larger than the ones we had on the Prometheus and closer to Macross City. Besides us, I think a few more Sheep are planning on moving in. We'll see.

I worry about my love when she cannot get sleep. What thoughts are going through her mind? What plagues her so that she can't sleep?

...what can I do to make it right?

I feel like returning to bed. I am going to see if she wishes to accompany me.

Of an interviewish type thing..

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 12:16:09 GMT

..hey, it's the first time that Roy's opened his journal to everyone..

I saw this thing, and after Aggy asked me some questions, thought it may be a good 'get to know me better' type thing.

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.
3. Update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. When others comment asking to be interviewed, ask them five questions.

1) Why whiskey? It tastes horrid. There are much more pleasant alternatives out there, I'm certain.

There are better alternatives out there, yes, but whiskey is what I started with, just because I wanted to drink and forget. There are smoother blends out there, and now that it doesn't effect me as much, I just don't notice the taste anymore. (OOC: This so isn't helping the case with Simon/Matt, is it?)

2) Have you ever learned to ride a horse?

Yes, actually, I did. When I was younger, Pop Hunter took Rick and I to one of those dude ranches for a summer vacation (it's a horse ranch, sweetheart). I learned there, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna learn how to ride those walking buckets of chicken.

3) Do you believe in ghosts?

If you had asked me this before that demon sliced my back open or Matt and Simon had shown us what they had, I'd said no and laughed. Now.. yes, perhaps I do.

4) What was the first thing you thought when you first saw me?

She's very wounded, kinda cute, and if I don't watch my step she's going to run me through with that pigsticker.

5) Was there ever a time when you wanted to do something other than piloting?

Nope. I always wanted to fly. I was raised around aircraft, so it was quite natural, sort of like a certain knight that I know of. <3

Feel free to ask away!

On confessions

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 07:09:11 GMT

I heard someone say once that passionate people live violent lives. At the time, I didn't really get it, but if what they meant was the way that love waits in ambush, traps your well-trained sense of control and then tortures you into a confession you'd just as soon not make, I now understand.

The first part of the confession is that I let Agrias get to me. I unlocked my cool, let her right in, and after that, all sorts of things seeped through, including fear. I mean, I guess it's fear that's doing this to me. Maybe it's what the brain jockeys call post-traumatic stress, even though I am still at war. But hell, what else besides fear could cause this much panic while I'm away?

Anxiety, maybe. Anxiety assumes less culpability, implies less of an offense, more of an excuse. Or obsession, perhaps, but that implies a lifetime of perscription slips from the therapist and a Section 8 discharge. And I couldn't be that crazy. But nothing seems right-side up anymore and hasn't been for some time now.

Maybe it's just compulsiveness. Along with nightmares, flashbacks, moodiness, alcoholism and depression, I heard someone say something about a compulsive disorder that can send your brain scurrying into all sorts of witless directions, between checking for incoming radio messages, praying she's healing okay, and counting the stars for the umpteenth time, it seems entirely plausible.

But then, so did getting to know Agrias in the first place, and how impeachable was that offense after Allah, Jehovah, Jesus, Lady Luck, and Santa Claus made it pretty clear that it wasn't on their list of things to do this year. But yet, I did.

The second part of my confession is now that I let the fear in, it's gotten hard to get rid of, and the more you try, the deeper it digs its heels. A little over a year ago, I wasn't afraid of anything, at least that's how I remember it in comparison to now when I'm afraid of eveything, including the droning of the radio.

So this is fear. Waiting to hear on her condition.

Fear's got nothing to do with pain or eternal damnation or existance that's been canceled. There are no missiles in this arena. No battlepods or vulnerable targets or weather or debris to bring your Veritech down.

Your own death has nothing much to do with it in the end. Ask anyone who's been there - the burned, the shot, the blown to bits - I bet they'd give you an earful. Death, buddy, is death. Slit, boom, bang. One minute you're alive; the next your dead. Once that happens, once you finally experience what you've worried about all your life, that's it. Then there's nothing else to worry about.

It's just all this in-between shit. The waiting.

I think it's the counting that's getting to me. The back and forth unearths all kinds of crap that I don't want hanging around. Like a lot of faces. Weird, dreamy faces. Faces of those I have met in my time on this side of the iris. Faces of pilots in their first dogfight or battle with terror dripping down them like sweat. Faces of Zentraedi smashed in like ripe banan meat under your thruster and the question of whether a face is really a face if there's no one home behind it.

Mostly though, it's the faces of those that mean the most to me. The Sheep, my friends, and Agrias. They bother me the most. As if love were some sinister germ set on infection - and now that we've all been bitten by the contagion, now that it comes down to the end, where there is no other avenue, I feel I owe it to them to make sure Agrias stays alive.

Which brings me to the last part of my confession: I want Agrias to stay alive. No matter how bad things get, it's still better to be alive. I want to know she's alive and waiting for me, and that I am waiting for her, and we will return to the other, always. I want her to be alive because as long as she's alive, I have the hope for a better future. I want her to be alive more than anything I can think of, which feels like a confession, because before her, I was a pilot who wasn't required to cross any lines with ALIVE on one side and DEAD on the other. I carried a pocket full of coupons redeeamble towards absolution. Now, after meeting Agrias and letting her in, everything's changed.

----

I don't care that I haven't cried since I was a kid. When I got the priority flash from the SDF-1, not even the presnce of the whole Sheep could keep the tears from coming.

"Just to confirm that Dame Agrias Oaks will have a full recovery..."

Am I gutless wimp?

Maybe.

Have I just embarassed the whole Air Wing of the SDF-1?

Perhaps.

Do I care?

No.

----

I love her.

Of Stolen Veritechs and Futures with Her

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 14:03:43 GMT

A few weeks ago, the RDF Training center in Cheyenne, Wyoming was attacked by a detachment of Vincent's Vanguards - roughly alinged with the Divine Crusaders from the Syndicate. He did a real number on the base, over 20 Veritechs were destroyed, there was 15 casualities. This singular event has had a lot of ramifications, however.

Maybe now the UEG will no longer see Earth as the fortress they assume it is and that even it is vulnerable to attacks from outside the Gate. Even this could be in doubt since Vincent used gear that echoes the RDF's own. I can already hear the rumblings from the talking heads that this attack was not an alien invasion, but instead was an attack by EBSIS - the former Soviet Union - giving them further leverage in that battle.

Furthermore, Vincent has a Veritech in his possession. I didn't believe it at first - but after seeing pictures and hearing rumors, I travelled to one of worlds that Thompson is known to visit - Solaris VII. I took Ranpha Franboise with me, assuming that she would understand that this was a combat mission and not a date. I was wrong. We sat up in the VIP section under assumed names and watched the battle below as the stolen Veritech was taken up against what they call a Locust, and won easily. Apparently, this was only one of the surprises - the Veritech itself is being piloted by one of the Cadets from the Cheyenne attack - Lorri Dent. She decided to self herself out, I suppose. Maybe Vincent made her an offer she couldn't refuse. Maybe she was afraid of dying at that moment - or at the hands of the Zentraedi later. Regardless, she betrayed the RDF and must be brought in and her stolen VT either stopped or destroyed.

I would have gotten more information, but it was about that moment that some of Vincent's goon squad tried to jump Ranpha and I. To be honest, I couldn't have been more thankful for a fight at that moment, I think that Ranpha was about to make a pass... We were able to fight our way out, but I got pretty banged up in the process. I should thank Ranpha for helping - maybe I can take her out to a dinner or something in thanks. On second thought, Agrias and I can take her to a dinner.

The UEG will have to wait on the plans to get the Veritech back however. There are more pressing needs. Amuro and Christina's commanders are preparing for one last big push into California and I have suspended any major Sheep operations until that is done. It is tactically unsound to go dividing forces now when they are desperatedly needed. I have everyone on standby to respond to alerts as needed. It may burn the UEG's bacon that I'm not out hunting Dent down - but they can wait, the bastards.

I am still recovering in Budehuc, today I should be released. I spent a wonderful evening in the company of Agrias Oaks. I never imagined anyone meaning as much to me as she does. She is supportive, savvy, and just beautiful. For a moment last night, I could see my future with her and it looked really really good. I can't wait to savour the rest of my life with her. Anyway, before I get too mushy here, she may be a sweet and honorable knight, but when she knows what she wants, she knows how to go after it. That still blows my mind, in all the best ways. ♥

I'd go on, little journal, but you know what - this isn't Penthouse Letters, so no story about how a pilot and knight spend their alone time for you.

Until later.

Quick Update

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 14:26:32 GMT

...I am currently in the care of Thomas and his castle servants. Last night, I had taken the Fokker for a flight over Ivalice and made a shortcut to visit the little ~~pimp~~ castle master. During such, I encountered a dragon and it's rider, who proceeded to attack me to try to collect the bounty that Ivalice has put upon my head.

The Fokker was not made to fight dragons. I had to crashland in a lake - I am not sure if the aircraft will be salvagable. She was my first aircraft - the one that Pop Hunter taught me on.. the one my father left me. I mourn for the Fokker as I would for a family member.

I will rest for a few days, but I must return to duty sooner or later - intelligence reports are showing that the last push in one assault is coming, and I will not be sidelined while I send my fellow Sheep off to war.

A demon recently attacked Agrias. A demon - it is weird to write of such. A couple of years ago, I would have dismissed this as fairy tales - but then again, I was not betrothed to a knight a couple of years ago, either. As she said, we were also recently visited by mice. I was giving them a ride back to their world when the Fokker was downed - hopefully they made it out okay.

Anyway, I hear the approach of the Castle staff to check on my condition. I will write more when my thoughts are more luicid.

Filler Space

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 15:38:52 GMT

I know I have not written in here much as of late. It's not that life has been boring - just too busy to write. Between Thompson's attack on Cheyenne, and this lightly perfumed note that I got from Emma to meet her for a 'business dinner', I just haven't had time to write. Don't worry Aggy, I may go meet Miss Frost but I'll be coming home to you.

Anyway, here's a little

Level 1
(x) smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar
( ) smoked weed
( ) kissed a member of the same sex
(x) drank alcohol
SO FAR: 2

Level 2
(x) said "i love you" to someone
(x) had a pet die
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
( ) fell down a mountain
SO FAR: 5

Level 3
(x) snuck out of a parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(x) been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger
(x) gone out on a blind date
(x) lied
SO FAR: 11

Level 4
(x) had a crush on an older person
(x) skipped school
(x) slept with a co-worker
(x) seen someone/something die
SO FAR: 15

Level 5
(?) had/have a crush on one of your Facebook friends - Huh?
(x) been to Paris
(x) been to Spain
(x) been on a plane
(x) thrown up from drinking
SO FAR: 19

Level 6
(x) eaten Sushi
(x) been snowboarding
( ) met someone BECAUSE of facebook
( ) been mosh pitting
SO FAR: 21

Level 7
( ) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken pain killers
(x) love/like someone who you can't have
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
SO FAR: 25

Level 8
( ) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
( ) played dress up
SO FAR: 28

Level 9
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
SO FAR: 32

Level 10
(x) used a fake/someone else's ID
(x) watched the sunset
(x) felt an earthquake
(x) killed a snake
SO FAR: 36

Level 11
(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed/vandalized
( ) robbed someone/vandalized
(x) been misunderstood
( ) pet a deer
SO FAR: 39

Level 12
(x) won a contest
(x) been suspended from school
(x) had detention
(x) been in a car/motorcycle accident
SO FAR: 43

Level 13
( ) had/have braces
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had déjà vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
SO FAR: 46

Level 14
( ) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
( ) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
( ) Been obsessed with post-it notes
SO FAR: 48

Level 15
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the world
(x) swam in the ocean/gulf/lake
(x) felt like you were dying SO
FAR: 53

Level 16
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sang karaoke.
(x) paid with only coins
SO FAR: 58

Level 17
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) kissed in the rain
SO FAR: 62

Level 18
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun set with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach
SO FAR: 67

Level 19
(x) crashed a party
(x) have traveled more than 5 hours with a car/bus full of people
(x) gone rollerskating/blading
(x) had a wish come true
SO FAR: 71

Level 20
( ) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) Screamed 'PENIS' in class
( ) gone swimming with dolphins
SO FAR: 71

Level 22
( ) got your tongue stuck to a pole/freezer
( ) kissed a fish
( ) worn the opposite sex's clothes
(x) sat on a roof top
SO FAR: 72

Level 23
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
(x) done/attempted a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
SO FAR: 76

Level 24
(x) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(x) had/been in a tree house
( ) are scared to watch scary movies alone
SO FAR: 79

Level 25
(x) believe in ghosts
( ) have/had more then 30 pairs of shoes
(x) gone streaking
(x) been in jail/visit
SO FAR: 82

Level 26
(x) played chicken - in a Veritech at that
(x) been pushed/jumped into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
(x) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
SO FAR: 87

Level 27
(x) caught a fish then ate it later
(x) made or been in a video
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed
SO FAR: 92

Level 28
(x) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) slept naked
( ) French braided someone's hair
(x) gone skinny dipping in a pool
( ) been kicked out of your house
SO FAR: 98

Level 29
(x) Rode a rollercoaster
(x) went scuba-diving/snorkeling
( ) had a cavity
( ) Blackmailed someone
(x) been blackmailed
SO FAR: 101

Level 30
(x) fell going up the stairs
( ) licked a cat/dog
(x) played hide and seek within the last 3 years
(x) bitten someone
(x) licked someone
TOTAL: 105

Don't know what the number is supposed to mean, but I see it as having had a very exciting and fufilling life. ~~Not an admission of guilt, mind you.~~

Of security breaches, revelations and travels...

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 18:04:52 GMT

The other night, Agrias was going to give me some sword training, but we were interupted just after the beginning of the spar by a young woman that appeared out of nowhere. She said her name was Sarah, and she was seeking Ivalice to assist the civilian populace there as a healer. Of course, not even AAA would recommend travel to Ivalice at the moment, and Agrias tried to talk her out of it, my dear knight offered to escort her. There's no way I'm letting Agrias do that on her own, so I'll be going as well. Possibly with Skull One as well. They could use the protection against the church and the crown alike.

While that was going on, Christina was learning that someone she deeply cared about wasn't all that he said he was. I'm not going to go into details here - it's her problem to discuss openly if she wishes - but outside Agrias, it is not something I'm going to talk in length about. However, I can appreciate her situation...

...back in the old pre-SDF-1 days, I had a wingman named Steve. Young kid, fresh from the Academy, full of hope. On the day the SDF-1 landed, we were flying a mission off the Kenosha when we were jumped by some anti-U boogeys. I was able to talk Steve through several of the attacks.. but eventually, it was too much, and he bought the farm. I was barely able to escape when the SDF-1 slammed into the Earth and levelled everything. Steve was my last wingman, and his loss was the straw that broke my back and why I left the military the first time.

Fast forward a few years - Admirial Hayes talks me back into the RDF with the 'Valkyrie' program. While there, I meet this guy, Shawn. He was a good kid as well. Old Navy pilot, really made me feel welcome, and we'd go grab drinks and the like. Problem with Shawn? One day he decided to show his true colors - he was an anti-Unification plant. Him and some of his buddies hijacked a shuttle and captured ARMOR-1, a platform in sub-orbit that carries enough firepower to level a country. They weren't looking to level a country though, they were after the SDF-1. I 'borrowed' the prototype VF-1S and got into space. I ended up having to destroy the armor, kill someone I thought was a friend.. and intercepted a reflex warhead that had been launched at the SDF-1.

Just another of the hundreds of memories I wished I could drink away.

I hope Christina never has to make a similar decision.

- Roy

OOC: The following is heavily encrypted - Agrias can see it since she uses the same computer, but for most everyone else, access denied.

PS: I don't think Bernie's a spy, for the record. Love makes people do stupid things. He found a girl that he fell really hard, really fast for, and just got caught up in that to the point where he couldn't bring himself to face the truth with Christina. As such, I am not going to call for a manhunt on Bernard - if the opprotunity arises, yes, we'll capture him. Just as we would any other Crusader. Is he guilty of being on the wrong side? Yeah, of course. Is he guilty of piss-poor judgement? Yep. Is he a spy? No.

Of Visiting Earth

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 15:35:56 GMT

I'm writing this as I wait for the shuttle carrying Captain Gloval and Lisa to get in the air to provide fighter escort. The trip to Earth has been unfortunaetly uneventful. Still no headroom on how we're going to get those 50 thousand or so people from the SDF-1 to Earth - and there's no way the RDF is letting us.

Of interesting note - I was talking to a pilot that was stationed of the carrier Hyperion, apparently one of their squadrons got jumped by a flight of battlepods outside of Los Angeles a few weeks back. The official story is that they were lit up by anti-unification forces.

I don't know how long the government thinks they can keep up the charade - that the SDF-1 and Macross are lost forever. That there are no giant aliens. That everything is fine on Earth and there's no spectre of utter destruction awaiting them.

What utter rot.

After the escort home, I need to sit down and get the bonuses worked out for the Sheep. Which means a lot of paperwork, a lot of judging, and a lot of just wanting to give everyone something and be done with it. The official and paperwork part of my job has always been the biggest pain in the ass. Between escort duty and other things, I haven't had the chance to do any Christmas shopping, except for Agrias.

Anyway, I see the booster trail from the shuttle, going to chase it down for escort. The brass wanted me to keep Skull One here to take apart to study her new systems. My response was for them to kiss a part of my anatomy that only Agrias gets to see on a casual basis.

That's it for now.

On Musings While She's Away...

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 14:51:15 GMT

It's been an interesting last few days around the SDF-1. With most of the Sheep on holiday leave or away, I've found myself to spend with Agrias. I explained the concept of Christmas to her, and I don't think she gets it, but I'm getting her a gift anyway. I can't say what it is yet, of course, since it's not yet time for her to have it, but let us just say it caused quite a stir and will take a special trip for me to gather it. Not to mention the debt of gratitude and favor I now owe Saber. I plan on taking her out for that promised meal sooner or later. It is the least I can do for what she has done for me to get Agrias something as special as I did.

Agrias is away now - she had to attend to business on Ivalice. I had wished to accompany her, but she was correct in her assesment that while we may be joined at the hip often, there are things that she needs to do as the Captain of the Vanguard Detachment while I lead the Sheep. I think another part of it is that she feared us both getting in trouble on her world. She is still a wanted criminal there - one that has done no wrong; but an example and scapegoat to be made if found. Be careful, lover, I will be awaiting your return.

I have to escort a diplomatic attache` to Earth tomorrow, so I will not be home when she returns. I hid her present away so that she may not be able to find it - which is just as well, I wish us to exchange gifts in person on this first Christmas. Besides the item I seeked out for her, I also got a little something for her that's really for me, if you know what I mean.

There's a rumor floating around the ship that the young lady that we met the other night, Illyana, challeneged Agrias to a duel with.. a date with me as the prize is she won. Considering that she was not waiting for me when I got off duty and Agrias won, I can assume that Agrias won. ;) Illyana seems like a sweet girl, but I'm not completely sure on her.

Saber, on the other hand, seems to be a perfect fit for the Vanguard Detachment. Agrias is worried about being in charge of someone that is of.. well, it's complicated, and probably best discussed in private with Saber.

...I have heard of Saber's hunger. It is to rival Lina's, from what I was told. I'll have to find a way to saite it without having to pawn off Skull One, aye?

Anyway, that's about it for now. Until later..

P.S. ...did I just type out an 'Aye'? Wow, I did. Agrias is really rubbing off on me.

Of the Night Before Christmas....

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 14:04:38 GMT

...something else I'm going to need to explain to Agrias. I'm sure she's curious by now on why Macross City is putting up decorations and fake trees like there's no tomorrow...

Maybe.. someday, I can tell this story to our children.

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,

Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.

Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,

As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,

Was triply-redundant linked to the Blue Cube,

And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense

That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.

When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter

I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;

I dialed up the gain and then quick as a flash

Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:

An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.

"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,

As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE"!

On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!

And scramble our fighters -- let's send the whole flock!

Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!

Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.

Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,

And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,

As the foe became pieces in the high arctic night.

So we sent out some recon to look for debris,

Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea,

Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,

Broken sleighbells, some gloves, and a ripped parachute.

Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.

There are unhappy kids in each village and town.

Can the Spirit of Christmas even hope to evade

All the web of defenses we've carefully made?

Just look how the gadgets we use to protect us

In other ways alter, transform, and affect us.

They can keep us from things that make life more worth living,

Like love for each other, and thoughts of just giving.

But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,

All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.

So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,

And be good boys and girls, as Santa goes STEALTH

Of dreams.. or is it nightmares?

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 18:05:51 GMT

Last night, I was going to go for a swim, but that got ruined pretty quickly by Ranpha deciding to show up.. and then Agrias came down and all got worse. Does she not trust me to know what I'm doing?

Frustrated, I went home and after a quick shower, went to bed.. and it seems that it followed me into my sleep.

I had awoken in Margaritaville.. at least, that's what it looked like. Instead of having streets, however, there seemed to be a large path that went around in a circle, starting at the Gate entry point and ending at the little cabana hut that Agrias and I shared on our vacation.

On the spaces were four figures - I recognized three of them immediately: Claudia, Agrias, and Ranpha. They were rolling a large die and moving around the board. And occassion, they would get into battles with one another. Not bad ones, just silly stuff, like how quickly could they eat several pies, or how many fish can they catch in the span of a minute.

I didn't really understand what was happening, until Ranpha approached me, and started looking excited and got that starry eye look of hers. Then that's when I realized.. I was the prize of the game that was being played. Claudia, Ranpha, Agrias.. and a pretty blonde in a pink dress.. looked like a Princess or something.

But Ranpha's hopeful look turned to disappointment as she said to me: '..I don't have enough coins to buy you, Roy...' And she went back to the Gate.

So.. who won?

I woke up next to her this morning.

Still, what a weird dream.

IC Meme

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 19:36:02 GMT

1. What curse word do you use the most?
...there's too many that I use way too often...

2. Do you own a personal music device?
I know of pilots that have Walkmans and such that they take into battle. Me, I prefer the symphony around me in the heat of battle. I have a radio in my quarters, and my guitar. But nothing personal.

3. What person on your flist do you talk to the most?
silver_aria. She lives with me, after all.

4. What time is your alarm clock set to?
0530 - my first durty shift starts at 0700. And yet, Agrias still wakes me up or is up before I am and usually has breakfast ready...in her own way. Though sometimes I perfer something other than buttered toast, fruit, and tea. Big old bacon and egg sandwich and coffee.

5. Do you still remember the first person you kissed?
Yeah, I do. There was a group of us out behind one of my friends houses, taking a swim after school. There was this one gal, Beth. She was.. well developed.. for a 13 year old. I was only 12 at the time, but already tall enough to look well older. I was coming out of the pond, and she grabbed me by the arm, said that there was a fee for getting out of the water, and kissed me. I didn't complain at all.

6. Do you remember where you were on the day that the Gate was discovered on your world?
It was October 2009. I remember, because I was the first one to go through the Gate. We were on a patrol near Neptune, hunting down what we thought was a Zentraedi ship in the area. Turns out it was a large Gate Iris. I was going in to take a closer look at it when it activated, and I damn near crash-landed in the Hub Terminal. If Captain Marvel hadn't caught Skull One.. yeah.

7. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
Either or. I like the camera from either side.

8. What was the last movie you watched?
Some really bad B movie I made Agrias watch.. Slasher Centerfolds from Colony 3 or something like that.

9. Do any of your friends have children?
None yet - though considering I'm the oldest, I probably will be the one having the kids first.

10. Has anyone ever called you lazy?
I'll answer this question later.

11. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep?
Does alcohol count?

12. What music do you currently listen to?
I'm trying to learn a little guitar rock - but, sometimes I like to just lounge and listen to her play on the reed flute. It's very relaxing.

13. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
Chocolate, when I can get it.

14. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
Yep. It was ~~None of your business~~.

15. When was the last time you had Starbucks?
You mean that hot pilot looking to enlist in the Sheep? Never. Though I w.. nevermind.

16. Can you whistle?
Loudly.

17. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
I study a girl like I study a map. I start off from the bottom and work my way up. Legs, toned, muscular, but not overly so, a cute rear, nice hips. I don't want a wasp as my girl. I don't mind a small chest, more than a handful is trouble after all. Must be nice to look at. Good smile, sweet eyes..

18. What are you looking forward to?
Vacation with Agrias after tomorrow. ♥

19. Did you watch cartoons as a child?
Not really - I was usually helping my dad (and later Pop Hunter) with his plane or going out to have fun in the mornings.

20. Do you own any band t-shirts?
One. Rick gave me a 'Lynn Minmei' concert T-shirt as a joke. I use it to polish my sidearm. :|

21. What will you be doing in one hour?
Going on patrol.

22. Is anyone in love with you?
I do believe that there is this certain knight that might have feelings for me, yes.

23. What was the last song you heard?
Godzilla - Blue Oyster Cult

24. Last time you cried?
when Claudia said her last goodbye.

25. Are you on a desktop computer or a laptop?
Desktop.

26. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
None.

27. What’s the weather like?
The weather is always 72 and sunny in Macross. They're planning a rain shower on Saturday, though.

28. Would you ever date a girl/guy covered in tattoos?
Sure. If I wasn't taken.

29. What did you do before this?
Read over the training schedule for Rook Bartley, signed her up for some of the piloting classes going on with the new recruits to the RDF. She can use it.

30. When is the last time you slept on the floor?
When I was a captive of the Zentraedi.

31. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
Around 4 is usually enough.. though I sleep like a log on weekends.

32. Do you eat breakfast daily?
Indeed, I do. I like to have something in my stomach before a patrol.

33. Are your days fast-paced?
Depends. Some days, they can be really slow. Most days, though - it's a furball outside the SDF-1, so yeah, fast-paced is a good word.

34. What did you do last night?
Sorry, can't describe in detail, kids might be reading this journal.

35. Do you use sarcasm?
Never. Absolutely never.

36. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
32 (January 17, by the way.)

37. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
As long as I understand what you're trying to say - pilots are trained to use shorthand.

38. Have you ever been to an amusement park?
I went to one in California when I was a kid. I wonder if it's still there.

39. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex?
I can work with either well~

40. Do you like mustard?
Yeah. Spicy mustard on a brat is awesome.

41. Do you sleep on your side?
I just sleep. Doesn't matter the position.

42. Do you watch the news?
I do. Mainly to keep up with the current events.

43. How did you get one of your scars?
I have one in the middle of my back from where a piece of Battlepod stuck in my back from the escape from the Zentraedi.

44. Who was the last person to make you mad?
No comment on this one. It was not Agrias, however. It was someone on our side, but not saying who.

45. Do you like anybody?
Gee, I wonder.

46. What is the last thing you purchased?
A Christmas present for someone reading this. No, you don't get to know what it is.

47. What side of the heart do you draw first?
Right.

48. Can you dive without plugging your nose?
Yep.

49. What color is your razor?
Black and silver. Mach 3.

50. What is your blood-type?
O-

51. Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
Do you want a list? (I'm kidding, Agrias)

52. What is a rumor someone has spread about you?
That this week is really an excuse to elope with a certain knight. Really people, we may be in to each other, but there's no rush to get down the aisle.

53. How do you feel about carrots?
They help you see better - and if I can see better - hey, I get to shoot down more Zents.

54. How many chairs at the dining room table?
Two.

55. Do you have a favorite musician?
Hank williams. The Seinor.

56. Do you know what time it is?
1422 hours, 15 Nov 2010, Macross Standard Time

57. Do you know all the words to your favorite show?
'Poor little lambs, who have lost their way.. Baa.. Baa.. Baaaaa.' The rest is instrumental.

58. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
Hopefully, I would be stuck with a hot girl. If not? Take a nap. Or if I had my guitar, play it. Bet it has nice acoustics.

59. What’s your favorite kind of gum?
Spearmint. Can't stand cinnamon.

60. T or F: All’s fair in love and war?
Depends on what part we're talking about~ If it's something that you know will drive her absolutely wild with passion - then true. Would I go out of my way to piss her off? No.

61. Do you have a crush on anyone?
Nope. My affairs and relationship are out in the open.

62. Do you know how to use some words correctly, but not know the meaning?
Yes.

63. Do you like to sleep?
Sometimes. After a week's worth of battles? I can sleep all day long.

64. Do you know which US states don’t use Daylight Savings Time?
I used to. Back when there was a United States.

65. Do you know the song Total Eclipse of the Heart?
Of course, it was on the radio the first time I had .. nevermind, age limits.

66. Do you want a bright yellow ‘06 mustang?
Naw. I have a bright yellow Fokker Mk II. I'm sure Agrias would say 'Chocobomobile'.

67. What’s something you’ve always wanted?
There's too many answers to this question. I could be cute and say 'Agrias in a Swedish Maid outfit'.. but seriously? I know I'm a pilot of a war machine.. but some peace would be nice. This damnable war has taken too many good people from this world. I have seen the effect it has on my Sheep.. peace for them would be nice too. The serenity and calm that it would bring to them.

68. Do you have hairy LEGS?
I'm a guy. I don't bother to shave my legs.

69. Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake?
Both are a blast - but I like my ocean - good for surfing.

70. Do you wear a lot of black?
Yeah, I do. Blacks and greys.

71. Describe your hair:
...unique.

72. Do you have Entomophobia?
I didn't.. except for those bugs that come from Rook's world. Whoa. Ugly slug bastards.

73. Are you an adult?
Yeah.

74. Where is/are your best friend(s)?
On patrol at the moment. We'll be switching out soon.

75. Do you have a tan?
Hell yes, I do. And I work hard to keep it up here!

76. Are you a television addict?
No, no time, really. Just the news and sometimes a bad movie or sports, when we get 'em.

77. Do you enjoy spending time with your mother?
No. My mother is in a grave back on Earth. I miss her.

78. Are you a sugar freak?
Not really.

79. Do you like orange juice?
Only as part of a screwdriver. Okay, so I do like juice for breakfast, but not all day.

80. What sign are you?
Capricorn, supposedly.

Letter to Santa...

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 18:06:12 GMT

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

Last Saturday I had a shoot-out with rival group outside of Odessa (-76 points). Last Tuesday I signed my organ donor card (28 points). A while back leekspin and I blew up some Zentraedi (-50 points). In October I broke silver_aria's head (-12 points). In September I quit drinking. :| (1 points).

Overall, I've been naughty (-109 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking!

Sincerely,
Roy

...so, Agrias, you gonna fufill what Santa says I deserve~? ♥

Real post coming soon.

- Roy

Of old flames...

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 14:45:47 GMT

Journal,

I should have expected her.

She had always been there in the past when we were stationed together when I became ill. I was at the Little White Dragon, having some Hot and Spicy soup to clear my head when I heard her speak my name.

Claudia.

We had only seen each other occassionally since things ended. Always on camera, me in my Veritech, her on the bridge. It has been cordial. It has been civil. It's been.. almost cold.

She had heard I had come down with some new flu and that it was making the other Black Sheep behave differently. She was concerned, she knows my feelings on command, and how easily I can slip into old habits when things feel out of control.

She wanted to be there as a friend.

I didn't turn her away. She's still a friend. She's still got a place in my heart. Do I still carry a torch for her? I would be cold and callous not to feel some heat for a woman that I spent the better part of a decade with.

We talked, we laughed. We didn't touch on the past. I guess it's still pretty raw and open for both of us. At the end, she went to kiss my cheek.

I backed away. I wasn't scared - I just knew that was the point that I had to move on. My heart is with Agrias now. My place is with her.

Agrias isn't a rebound, she's my future. I realize this now.

- Roy

Of .... what the hell?

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 11:58:20 GMT

Amuro had his birthday on Saturday at a pirate themed place. Most of the Sheep were there, which was pretty cool to see. Agrias couldn't make it - she had to check something out with the Vanguard, which is understandable.

Anyway, in the middle of the party, some .. half-man, half-woman.. thing attacked. It's the only way I can put it. It wasn't a half-rossdresser, no, this was literally half a man sewn to half a woman. It was enough to make me take a single shot of rum. And I admit - it felt good going down.

From there, a fight broke out. The Sheep did a damn good job at keeping deaths to zero, and other than injuries in the initial surprise, we were able to keep injuries to less than twenty in a very crowded place.

Apparently sometime in the evening, these Iron Masks as they called themselves had captured Shinji. We made our way to Pluto, where we were able to rescue Shinji.. who sneezed. It was kind of silly at the time.

Whatever it was, however, spread fast. Most of the Sheep, including myself are infected. I went home to sleep it off, but Agrias insisted on being there for me. She said she rarely gets sick, and wanted to tend to me...

...she got sick.

We spent all day yesterday on the couch, watching really bad movies and trying to take care of each other. But.. things are strange. Shinji suddenly is acting like he's a stud or something. Amuro is showing signs of being calm and cool. Mint.. was absolutely blood thirsty on channel.

In the past, when Agrias awoke in the middle of the night, she said she'd usually watch me sleep. I told her to wake me up when these things happened. She never had.. until last night. And.. whoa, did she ever wake me up.

It still seems weird however, and I can't put my finger on it. For now, because it is a pretty nasty cold and I don't think that we have enough medicine on the SDF-1 to deal, I've quarentined Macross City for the week.

I just hope it's not worse.

- Roy

Of Paradise...

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 14:04:07 GMT

When I was younger, I used to help Pop Hunter work on his aircraft to get them ready for the next performance. When he would work on the aircraft, he always would listen to the radio. Pops was a 'Parrothead'. He always was playing Jimmy Buffet. And I admit, I was a fan of a few of the songs. Cheeseburger in Paradise, I Have Found Me a Home, The Great Filling Station Holdup, Changes in Latitudes/Changes in Attitudes, Trying to Reason with a Hurricane Season were always favorites.

But I had one favorite in paticular. It was one of the first songs I learned when I took up learning the guitar.

...on a whim, I decided to check out the Gates for a paticular place when I learned that they linked all genres of worlds. I always wondered if it had been created, if it was linked.. or what.

It does exist.

I am in /Paradise/.

Nibblin' on spongecake, watchin' the sun bake
All those tourists covered with oil.
Strummin' my six string, on my front porch swing.
The smell of the shrimp beginning to boil.

Wasted away again in Margaritaville,
Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt.
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame,
But I know it's nobody's fault.

Don't know the reason, been here all season,
Nothin' to show but this brand new tattoo.
But it's a real beauty, a Mexican cutie,
How it got here I haven't a clue.

Wasted away again in Margaritaville,
Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt.
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame,
But I know hell, it could be my fault.

Blew out my flip flop, stepped on a pop-top,
Cut my heel, had to cruise on back home.
But there's booze in the blender and soon it will render,
That frozen concoction that helps me hang on.

Wasted away again in Margaritaville,
Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt.
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame,
But I know it's my own damn fault.

Wasted away again in Margaritaville,
Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt.
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame,
Yes I know it's my own damn fault.

Margaritaville really exists. Here I am, writing this from a hammock as I swing lazily back and forth with the warm ocean breeze as it tickles over bared skin. I'm laid out in only my swimtrunks, the flightsuit hanging from a nearby tree, my helmet holding a bottle of beer, still unopened. Skull One is in Guardian mode nearby, parked in the sand. A box nearby holds my dinner - a grilled burger and an order of French fried potatos.

All I would need to make this perfect would be a certain senorita knight in a swimsuit enjoying the sun next to me in this hammock big enough for two..

Sunningly Yours,
Roy

....

Tue, 31 Oct 2006 18:22:20 GMT

...ow.

Calling in sick today.

Of General Randomness...

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 15:23:11 GMT

10/30/10

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm doing this right.

As a squadron commander, I've always known that my pilots were mature enough that I only had to guide them to what they needed, and never bothered with the heavy hand or the strong arm approaches. They have never been my style.

But now I find myself with a squadron where the median age is only around 16. They need someone to be thorough and firm. I saw it last night in the training exercise that Sanger ran. They snapped to, and hung on his every word.

I do not just want to be 'Uncle Drinky' to them. I want to be their commanding officer, and someone they can turn to when the chips are down. Someone that they know will be there when I need to be there for them.

Am I that now? I'm not entirely sure.

-------------

There may be a trip to Earth soon. Something about a VIP, but Gloval doesn't want to waste the RDF resources, so asked me if I can get the Black Sheep to assist. I'll see what I can scrounge together.

I know I would like to see my Earth again. Especially if it could possibly be my last trip there. I think Rick knows something about it, he volunteered to be the shuttle pilot.

-------------

The Halloween party was a bust. I felt like the lone adult there - and I know Agrias felt out of place. It didn't really help when Simon came over with his girlfriend for small talk. I don't mind the guy myself, but I know Agrias has a lot of tension there for reasons I'm not going into. Suffice to say, she may never get above the point of just 'tolerating' Parker.

We'll see.

-------------

Skull One has been getting her chops busted pretty good recently. I met with Gloval, Lang, and Emerson after the last battle with the Divine Crusaders. We're all worried that even with the sheer volume of craft we have, plus the other Black Sheep, that we would be in trouble in the pretense of a joint Syndicate and Zentraedi attack. The battle models we've seen sure don't make it pretty, either.

Lang has a couple of designs that he's trying out and wants to field test on the Skulls. It means the Squadron may be laid up for about a week. But, if that's what it takes to make sure we keep a level playing field against the threats to our home, so be it.

--------------

We recently took a flight, Agrias and I, over an area of her world where she would not be harrassed or hunted by the Inquisitors. while we were flying over in the Mk. III, I saw several old farms and barns.. and it makes me wonder. If the SDF-1 is not going to be allowed to return to Earth - should I change my objectives? Would settling on Ivalice be what could be best for me? For us?

I'll have to look into that.

- Roy

On High Pants and Catapults...

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 19:33:12 GMT

Okay, so people understand...

...I am not going to fling Ling Yao off of the Prometheus via catapult...

Am I frustrated with him still? Hell yes. I was getting ready for a mission, a long one, when he comes into my office and pretty much tells me he's worried about his girlfriend's flying a Veritech. That's fine. If he doesn't like it, that's something he needs to take up with her.

Does he honestly think that everyone on this ship does not have families or loved ones that worry about what it is that their loved one, be it a husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, son, daughter, sibling.. whatever it may be? They all do. Even I, Roy Fokker, have a 'sibling' aboard that I worry a great deal more than I probably should. Rick's a good kid, he's got a good head on his shoulders - and it was his decision to fly.

It was Orihime's as well. It should be her decision to stop. At least it was. All things considered, I am pondering taking that decision out of her hands.

But cheese and crackers, people, it's not the only thing propelling the decision I'm making. I've decided to opt out of training Orihime for now. Did Ling have anything to do with it? No.

It's not a game up here. People routinely go out and get killed. Orihime isn't ready to be exposed to that - not to the degree that I have been or seen in my life. Furthermore, she deserves the chance to be a normal teenager - I didn't get that chance. I lost my parents and that nearly destroyed my life. My only solace was in flight. That's why I was in Pop Hunter's Flying Circus. That's why I joined the Navy.

I'm sitting here, looking at the letter at the moment, wondering when the best time will be to deliver it. The party would be a bad time, of course. It's supposed to be a time of celebration and fun. Perhaps afterwards, I will do so.

- Roy

PS: The loadmaster says that catapulting the kid wouldn't be much fun anyway. We're in deep space - no real way to judge how far he'd go on that.. he did say that a pickup truck launched from the Nimitz one time went over a half mile. That was on the old steam catapults - I wonder how far it would go on the magnetic ones the Prometheus uses...

PSS: I'm not gonna hit him with a bat, either. Lt. MacKenzie claimed it back.

Of Fear of Landings...

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 23:11:50 GMT

It was a beautiful night on the water. The Gulf of Mexico is as calm as a country lake and a wispy sea breeze gently stirs the moist tropical air. Stars bright as flashbulbs speckle the cloudless sky. All this tranquility, though, was lost on me, however, as I piloted in the fast-approaching jet. I was about to experience the most terrifying event of my life, my first night landing on an aircraft carrier.

I can see the lights of the Roosevelt below me. Carriers, in the daytime, are mere postage stamps in a swimming pool - at night, it becomes a few flashing lights in the vast emptiness of the night. It's worse with the moon and stars out - they reflect off the water, reflecting from up to down, and if you are not careful, you can find yourself completely lost.

From the deck, I seem to hang motionless. It is an optical illusion: In fact, 51,000 pounds of F-14 Tomcat are bearing down on the deck at 154 mph. Less than a heartbeat after I see the final green on the meatballs, I hit the deck about 50 ft. to the landing crew's left. The Tomcat threw off a shower of sparks that follows the plane like it's a grounded Roman candle. I bring the jet up to full speed, the rolling thunder of the jet's afterburners. It's an insurance policy. It's supposed to guarantee a speedy takeoff if the arresting cable breaks. As a naval captain once told me 'There's more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.'.

The roar in my ears stop abruptly as I shut down the engines, signaling that the plane has come to a complete stop. In the distance I can see a band of aircraft handlers rising from the shadows. They quickly inspect the plane and lock it into the nearby catapult. I start to spool up the twin engines. A sharp salute signals I'm ready for takeoff. Enough high-pressure steam to fling a pickup truck 2 1/2 miles surges through the catapult's power cylinders. And I rocket into the night sky – newly minted fully as a navy aviator.

That's part of how I am feeling now. It's been six days - I feel like I'm suspended in the air. And whether or not and how I pull up now determines if I make a perfect landing in her arms, supported by those that serve under me.. or if I plow into the ocean, going beneath the surface, never to come up. I've heard of men that have diteched in the ocean. The water surrounds the cockpit, and all you can do is watch until the pressure cracks it - and you - like an egg.

I will land. I will be better for it. I will stick it. And nothing will stop me.

And Agrias will be there when I do.

For now, however, I have several wounded pilots that I need to check up on. I'll start with Lily and then work my way from there to Rei and the others. Hopefully, Rook will have enough people for her mission tomorrow.

Of the shakes...

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 17:34:07 GMT

I have the frigging shakes.

This isn't the first time I've tried to quit this monkey. But I've always given into the bottle after a few days - usually about now. A pilot can't be a shaking mess behind the stick. He can't be distracted by his need for something he's not supposed to have. It's those type of things that get you killed.

Agrias wants to take my old biplane out of storage. I know she's trying her damnest to keep me away from the demons in the shotglass.. but one drink wouldn't kill me. Just to steady my nerves. To keep me calm.

...to help me forget the pain I cause in others.

I was told once that I am easy to coax to sleep, but I never sleep for long. I have to wonder how much this has to do with my habit. I fear what I am becoming without the bottle. Haman nearly got me the other day in a battle that I should have easily taken. I break into cold sweats in the middle of the night...

...I'm falling apart. Alcohol is a powerful and demanding mistress, and she is refusing to let me walk away.

I'll get the plane moved down to the Gate area to move it to Ivalice.. maybe the fresh, cool air, and the feeling of open flight will help to calm me...

But then again, so would a shot of whiskey.